


You're All I've Ever Known

by holdyourbreathfornow



Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Accidental Self-Harm, Alternate Universe, Amputation, Arguments, Black Mesa Sucks, Blood, Body Horror, Brainwashing, Comas - Freeform, Family Reunions, Gen, Gordon has trauma where there wasn't trauma before, Gunshot Wounds, Headaches, Implied Child Death, Kidnapping, Memory Alteration, Panic Attacks, Shapeshifting, Vomit, cursing, light sensitivity, medical operations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29404425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdyourbreathfornow/pseuds/holdyourbreathfornow
Summary: Gordon Freeman never worked for Black Mesa, instead working as a mercenary with the Science Team.When Black Mesa kidnaps him after they break in, Gordon isn't sure which of his memories are real or fake anymore.
Relationships: Gordon Freeman & Ivan Freeman, Gordon Freeman & John Freeman, Gordon Freeman & Joshua Freeman, Gordon Freeman & Science Team
Comments: 36
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

Gordon sighs and sags against the door as soon as he shuts it. Joshua’s still at the farm house with Ivan and John, the job having ended earlier than expected, and honestly Gordon’s a little thankful. He loves his son, but he doesn’t need Joshua seeing Daddy covered in grime. It’s hard enough getting the kid to take a shower as it is.

The Science Team have all split up, heading back to their own places before they reconvene at the farmhouse, and Gordon makes the mental note to check in on Tommy and his dad later. The two of them had been the most shaken, but they’d gotten out fine in the end. Gordon keeps repeating that last phrase to himself like a mantra, ditching clothes as he heads for the shower.

It takes half an hour and an entire bottle of shampoo before Gordon feels completely clean. He towels himself down and dresses in his comfiest PJs before he heads for the living room, already dialing for takeout as he goes.

The latest trashy soap opera episode is already on TV by the time Gordon’s food arrives, and he groans as he hauls himself off the couch.

“Gordon… Freeman?” The delivery boy asks, glancing up from a slip of paper. Gordon nods and forks over a 20. 

“Keep the change, just gimme my curry.”

“Long day?” The boy asks sympathetically, and Gordon shrugs.

“Just a hard one. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Guess not.” The boy tips his baseball cap and turns to leave. Gordon remains in his doorway, checking through his order to make sure he got everything he wanted. “Oh, Mr. Freeman?”

“Ah, it’s actually-” Gordon looks up to correct the kid but is cut off by a gunshot. 

He pauses. 

Slowly, Gordon looks down to his stomach, where blood’s slowly turning his gray shirt reddish-black. 

The bag of food slips from his hand and Gordon staggers sideways into the doorframe. The boy still stands in front of him, gun still raised and barrel breathing out a thin line of smoke. He lowers the gun as Gordon falls, and hurries forward. Gordon tries to crawl back into his house, desperately trying to remember where he left his phone.

“Stop moving.” The boy spits, looming over Gordon.

“Fuck… You.” Gordon spits, but it turns into a screech of pain as the boy steps directly onto his bullet wound.

“The bullet’s punctured your stomach. Stomach acid has already begun to poison you from the inside out. If I act fast, and if you cooperate, I can fix it. Otherwise, I’ll leave you here for dead.”

“Don’t t-touch me.” Gordon can’t breathe, his vision graying at the edges, but it all comes rushing back as soon as the boy lifts his foot from Gordon’s stomach.

“They warned me you’d be difficult.” He sighs, like someone took his parking space, rather than like he just shot a man. “Fine. I don’t need you awake.” He tosses his gun into the air, catching it by the barrel. Gordon lunges as the boy kneels, but he catches Gordon’s wrist and stops his punch cold. “You’re gonna hurt yourself. Oh, wait-” He doesn’t finish his sentence, pistol whipping Gordon across the jaw, and Gordon feels his head connect with the wood strip of his door frame before conscious thought blinks out altogether.

-

Gordon wakes up staring at a mirrored ceiling. He distantly examines his own reflection, noticing the thick bandages wrapped around his stomach and the iron shackle chaining him to the bed.

“Subject Freeman seems to be conscious.” A voice rings out and Gordon bolts up. A sharp pain in his stomach causes him to fold in half, but he still looks around through the sweaty mess of his hair.

He’s in a room with no visible door, the walls made of some kind of gray padding. The floor is the same blank shade of gray, but isn’t broken up into tiles like the walls are. Far above him, looking down on his bed, is a viewing window where people in white lab coats assemble, peering down at him. One of the people is standing in front of a microphone. She must be the one who spoke.

“Dr. Freeman!” The woman greets him, voice full of cold warmth. “We’re so glad to see you conscious! We’ve been so worried, you know.”

“The fuck?” Gordon mutters under his breath, not acknowledging her. Instead he slips carefully off his cot, testing the limits of his shackle. He’s able to walk to the middle of the room before he’s pulled up short, the jolt causing the pain in his stomach to flare and nearly making him puke.

“Don’t you remember, Dr. Freeman? There was a Resonance Cascade! A band of our trusted scientists went rogue and forced you to escort them out. We got to you just before they could kill you.”

“That’s not what happened at all!” Gordon yells at the viewing window. The lady doesn’t respond, and Gordon isn’t sure why he feels ice try to fight the burning in his stomach. The lady turns away from the microphone and talks to someone Gordon can’t see. He can’t hear what she says since the microphone doesn’t pick it up, but soon enough she comes back to it.

“Subject Freeman is 98.3% cognitive. Send in STRIKE team and prep MAANRE.” She says the last word like ‘manner’, but Gordon’s more focused on how a portion of the wall suddenly hisses open and a team of soldiers in full combat equpment hustle into the room.

“Fuck off!” Gordon growls when one of them get near him. The soldier continues to advance, pulling a pistol out and pointing it at Gordon’s head.

“Careful, boys.” The woman calls down. “We need Subject Freeman at least 90% cognitive for MAANRE to work.” The other soldiers surround Gordon and force him to his knees, which isn’t hard with his still-aching stomach.

Gordon tilts his head back just as a section of the ceiling disengages and slides over, allowing a giant mechanical mechanism to descend from the ceiling. It lowers until one of the soldiers can reach up into it. A smaller part branches with with a soft click, and the soldier pulls the branch down. Some kind of helmet is hooked onto the end and Gordon starts struggling with renewed force to get away from it.

It’s ultimately for nothing, though, as one of the soldiers jabs the toe of their boot into Gordon’s stomach and the helmet’s forced down past his eyes when he doubles over.

LED lights start pulsing in front of Gordon’s eyes as a soldier tightens the strap under Gordon’s chin. He shuts his eyes as tight as he can but the lights penetrate through until he’s nauseous (or at least more than he already was) and dizzy.

“Subject Freeman, we’re going to activate your memories now. You will flash back to memories of our choosing. This is to help you recover from the PTSD brought on by the ResCas, do you understand?”

“W-w-w-” Gordon’s tongue won’t cooperate, the lights scrambling his thoughts and he…

-

Gordon hides his face behind his arm as the explosion goes, blasting open the Science Team’s entrance into Black Mesa.

“Okay, everyone remember the plan?” He asks and gets several affirmatives. “In and out. Fuck up everything you find. We know where we’re going, don’t go off-road.”

“Fuckin’... ATP. All-terrain people.” Benrey mutters as he cocks his shotgun, and Gordon snorts, his serious demeanor broken.

“Dude. You know I hate when you do that during briefings.”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.” Benrey snarks and Bubby loudly clears his throat.

“Are we going to do this shit or not, Gordon?”

“Yeah, yeah, Bubby, we’re going.” Gordon hustles the Science Team into Black Mesa, slinging his own guns out from their holsters as he looks around.

Inside Black Mesa, alarms blare as the Science Team runs deeper, taking out any security guards they see and sending civilians screaming in terror. 

_ “Alright, they’re in. Begin memory alteration.” _

Gordon blinks and looks around, the blaring of the alarms dimming.

Wait, there are no alarms. Why did he think there were alarms?

Dr. Freeman shakes his head and readjusts the lapels of his lab coat. That’s a nervous habit he picked up when he first started working at Black Mesa.

Today’s the day of the big test. Gordon had gotten the honor of manning the experiment. Black Mesa treats him so well. He’s so thankful to even be working here in the first place.

“No…” Gordon mutters, and only now that he looks around does he see the walls flickering, his own clothes changing between a lab coat and his HEV suit that he- Wait, he’s on a job, why isn’t he in his HEV suit? No, that. Doesn’t that come later?

_ “We’re reaching the neural limit for today.” _

_ “Alright, get him out.” _

The helmet disengages, a pressure Gordon didn’t even notice already starting to fade as the machine lifts back into the ceiling and the glass panel hiding it slips smoothly back into place.

“Dr. Freeman! How did you find your first round of PTSD treatment?” The nice Black Mesa lady… No, she’s bad. But Gordon feels good. And Black Mesa made him feel good. 

Gordon sways back and forth on his knees.

“Good.” He sighs finally. “It- When do I- Are there going to be more sessions?”

“Your brain can only handle so much in a day, Dr. Freeman. Don’t worry, you’ll get to go back in tomorrow.” As the majority of soldiers leave Gordon’s room, two of them help him to his feet and frog march Gordon over to his cot, leaving as soon as he collapses onto it and nuzzles his face into the thin mattress. “Get some sleep, Doctor. You’ll feel even better tomorrow.”

Gordon sighs and falls asleep.

-

The soldiers flood back into the room as soon as Gordon’s awoken. He starts to struggle, tugging at his chain, but they have him on his knees again soon enough and Gordon realizes he doesn’t even know why he was struggling in the first place. Except… A small part of his brain whispers to him that he does.

“What are you doing to my brain? What did you do to my memories?” Gordon yells in panic as he tries to pull his hands free. Over him, a man clicks his tongue into the microphone. 

“Dr. Freeman, we’re simply helping you. Don’t you want to be helped?”

“Y-you’re not helping! You’re changing my head!” Gordon quails in fear as the ceiling slides open again and MAANRE descends. “No, no, no…”

“Cognitive functioning at 92.7%. He slept hard. Memory alteration process booting up.” As soon as the helmet slips over his eyes, Gordon lunges his body down, trying to slam his head into the ground. The soldiers grab his shoulders before he can and one punches him in the jaw. The flare of pain behind his eyes blends with the lights the helmet’s flashing and…

-

Coomer examines a map as Bubby reads off hall labels to him from the wall.

“Gordon, this place is built like a labyrinth.” He grouses and Gordon nods sympathetically. 

“Probably on purpose. Did you find where we need to go?” Coomer nods and looks up from the map at Gordon.

_ “Neaural rewiring beginning now. Estimated length of session: 6-8 hours.” _

“What?” Gordon shakes his head and almost trips over the bench in the locker room. Coomer doesn’t notice, instead tucking a paper bag lunch away neatly in his locker.

“I said ‘another day, another dollar, Gordon!’” Coomer peers at Gordon. “You know you have no reason to be scared! The likelihood of a Resonance Cascade happening is miniscule.”

“I know, it’s just-” Gordon tugs at his loose hair- no, his ponytail. He always has his hair pulled back in the lab. “Black Mesa trusts me, you know? I’d do anything for them.”

“As well you should.” Coomer nods in approval. “Black Mesa is much like a god, Gordon. And as we all know, gods dole out bountiful blessings to their most loyal worshippers.”

_ “Don’t lay it on so thick.” _

“Did you hear that?” Gordon asks and Coomer stares at him blankly before his face stretches into a grin.

“Now, Gordon, if you don’t hurry, you’ll be late for the test!” Gordon nods and spins on his heel, rushing for the door.

_ “Skip ahead. Just do generic hallways for the blank gaps. Work in conversations and background noise subliminally during the next session.” _

_ “Sounds good.” _

-

Gordon grabs Tommy by the neck of his lab coat just before Tommy walks into a guard’s line of fire.

_ “Make him resent the Science Team. I’m thinking… Up the rudeness. Have them treat him like an idiot.” _

“Mr. Freeman, why’d you do that?” Tommy snaps and Gordon startles. Tommy gestures to where he’s holding his gun half out of its holster. “I could’ve taken that guy!”

“S-sorry, just didn’t wanna see you get shot.”

“Well maybe next time you should ask first.”

“They probably didn’t teach him manners in whatever dumpster he lived in.” Bubby laughs coldly and Gordon feels his face heat up.

“Fine, I’ll let you get shot, see how you like it.” He spits and spins away from them, stalking further ahead.

_ “Alright, almost time for the day shift. Get him out of there.” _

Gordon sighs as the helmet pulls away and rolls his shoulders, exhaling angrily.

“How was today’s session, Dr. Freeman?” The man asks through the microphone and Gordon nods.

“Good, it was good. Sorry, I just had to relive a bad memory.”

“That’s what we’re here to help you with. Maybe you should sleep?” The man suggests and Gordon nods, a soldier helping him up by the elbow.

“That sounds… Really nice.” Gordon’s asleep by the time his body hits the mattress.

-

Gordon wakes up to screaming, both from him and from other people in the room. He rolls onto his side and winces at the feeling of wet cloth sticking to his skin, only to gag at what he sees.

His hand, the one not chained to his bed… It’s gone. It’s been hacked off and is still squirting blood across the mattress onto the floor. Two soldiers and a scientist are all yelling at each other.

“-You should be able to control your men better! What made him do this?” The scientist screeches at the soldier Gordon assumes is the commander.

“Hey, you can’t blame the guy! Half of his squad was killed when these jackasses stormed the place.”

“Don’t tell me who I can and can’t blame!” The scientist screeches. “I’ll have both your minds wiped and dump your asses in Azerbaijan, don’t fucking test me!” 

The door in the wall slides open and a team of medics rush in, all kneeling around Gordon. One starts tying a tourniquet above Gordon’s unscheduled amputation and another pushes a mask down over his face.

“T-thank you.” Gordon stammers and the medic nods. “Black Mesa… Just keeps saving me.” That makes the angry scientist freeze and he turns to Gordon before pulling a radio out of his pocket.

“I want to do a session on him right now. Rewrite this memory and pin the amputation on the Science Team.” Gordon can’t hear the reply that comes crackling back, but the PTSD machine starts to lower from the ceiling. “Do you need access to his head?” The scientist asks one of the medics.

“No, but your session will have to be short. His brain’s already pretty taxed right now.”

“That just makes it more malleable.” The scientist grins, which is the last thing Gordon sees before everything vanishes outside of the helmet and its flashing lights.

-

“Look, there’s a health station.” Bubby points ahead and Benrey nods on Gordon’s other side. 

“Y-yoooo Feetman need, uh, health boost? Little sicky chicky boy?”

“I think we all need a health kit at this point, but thank you guys.” Gordon manages a genuine grin for the other two and walks through the doors that lead to the health kit. What he isn’t expecting is for the doors to slam behind him and the lights to cut off. Hands drop onto his shoulders and Gordon screams in fear.

“This is what you get, you bastard!” Bubby yells and Benrey whoops in that  _ irritating  _ monotone just as pain flares in Gordon’s wrist.

“Can’t call this place Black Mesa, now I gotta call it the uh… Chop shop.” Several voices laugh at Benrey’s joke but all Gordon can feel is this sickening grating as a knife saws through his wrist. He sobs like a kid, and keeps trying to pull away, but the blood loss makes him sick and he falls to his knees and his vision goes wobbly and twisted at the edges.

_ “Get him out, we need to move him to medical.” _

Lights flash and reflect in the glass ceiling and Gordon groans as several pairs of hands lift him from the floor and start to move him. He finally succumbs to unconsciousness as the door to his room closes behind them.

-

Black Mesa’s kind enough to him to give him a prosthetic, even giving him physical therapy. They’re so understanding and helpful, Gordon had forgotten what that felt like. 

Once he’s finished physical therapy, Gordon’s finally allowed to have MANNRE sessions again. Soldiers don’t even come into his room this time to help him, instead Gordon eagerly jams the helmet on his head and grins as the flashing lights sweep him away.

_ “...Kill his son. Make it so someone broke in and took the kid while he was dealing with the ResCas.” _

_ “Can I ask why, sir?” _

_ “Broken people are easier to reform. Do it.” _

Gordon sighs as he finally leaves the Chuck E Cheese, hailing a taxi and resting his head against the cool glass as the car bumps down the highway. Thankfully, the driver is kind enough to not mention the blood on Gordon’s seat, but Gordon pays them extra when they finally arrive to his house in case they have to get the car detailed or something.

He watches as the taxi pulls away before rolling his shoulders and taking the steps up his porch two at a time. Joshua probably called his brother when Gordon didn’t come home, so-

Wait. The door’s kicked in.

Gordon slowly opens the door and walks into the house as quietly as he can, muffling curses at the trashed state of the house. He grabs a knife from the kitchen and heads straight for Joshua’s room, where he almost breaks down. The picture Joshua has of him and Gordon pinned to the door is torn, gone, and inside Josh’s room is just as much of a mess as the rest of the room is. Joshua’s shoes are still in his closet. One of his stuffed toys has a partially ripped-off arm which is finally what causes Gordon to lose it.

He falls to his knees in the middle of his son’s room, clutching a destroyed toy to the cold chestplate of the HEV suit and sobbing as loudly as he can, the knife clattering to the ground next to him. His kid is gone, and Gordon hadn’t been here to protect him. That had been what caused him to return to Black Mesa, the straw that broke the camel’s back.

When the helmet disengages, Gordon’s still crying. He swipes tears off his face and crawls onto his cot.

“Dr. Freeman, we’re so sorry for your loss. We’ll continue your treatment tomorrow, alright?” He nods but doesn’t say anything, tears still dripping off the tip of his nose as he fades into a tormented sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon isn't sure how long he's in Black Mesa. All he knows is that he doesn't want to leave.

With no way to see the outside world, the passage of time becomes fluid to Gordon. But he supposes it wouldn’t really matter anyway, since every moment he’s awake is spent being rehabilitated by MAANRE sessions and every other moment is spent asleep on his cot. He’d be perfectly happy doing this forever, but unfortunately, that doesn’t look like it’s going to be possible. 

Gordon’s brutally ripped away from another MAANRE session by alarms blaring and plunging both his room and the room behind the viewing window into ominous shades of red as lights flash along with the alarms.

“Who is it?” The woman working the microphone today asks another one of the scientists, and whatever answer she gets in return seems to make her extremely upset. She turns back to the microphone. “Gordon, the Science Team have come to take you from here.”

“But I don’t want to go.” He tells her and the lady nods in understanding.

“I know you don’t. And none of us want you to go, either. But we can make this work for us, Gordon. We can make the Science Team pay for everything they’ve done to you. Don’t you want revenge, Gordon?” He hesitates for a moment, but when he nods, Gordon sees a slow smile spread across the woman’s face. 

“Excellent. Rumor has it that the Science Team has turned to robbing banks. So what we want you to do is: When they take you, try to befriend them. Remember what they’ve done to you, so don’t feel obligated to actually like them. We’ll want weekly reports from you every Sunday. When they tell you you can finally get back to heisting, call us before you leave. We’ll take them down and you can finally come back here, where you belong.”

“I won’t let you down.” Gordon tells her and she nods again.

“We know. You’ve made Black Mesa very proud, Gordon.” Some kind of explosion shakes the room and nearly sends Gordon to his knees. The lady turns away again. “We have to evacuate now, Gordon. You’ll know the number to call when you make your first report. Stay safe and remember, don’t let the Science Team learn who you’re really loyal to.” With that, the room behind the viewing window empties quickly, until it’s just Gordon, standing alone in his room and waiting anxiously to be taken from the only place he’s ever felt safe. But he has to do this. Black Mesa needs him to. He doesn’t want to let them down, that would kill him.

The door, blended in with the rest of the wall, crumples in on itself suddenly and violently, some unknown force ripping it away and causing Gordon to flinch back.

Benrey’s the first through the door, shapeshifted into some kind of looming beast that drips black ooze from rows upon rows of serrated teeth, bared in a growl. When he sees Gordon, though, the growl quickly disappears, replaced by a noise similar to a dog whining. He slithers towards Gordon and looms over him. Gordon keeps his eyes fixed firmly on Benrey, ignoring the black ooze dripping down around him.

“H-hey, Benrey.” He tries to force a grin as Benrey coils around him, blocking off any chance of Gordon escaping.

“G-gordon!” Tommy’s voice echoes down the hall, and Benrey yips back, Sweet Voice pouring from his horrifying maw. “Benrey, did you- Is he okay?” Tommy comes skidding around the corner, Coomer and Bubby hot on his heels. When all three of them see Gordon, they all visibly relax. 

“Hey, guys.” Gordon gives a weak little wave, but freezes when Benrey growls again.

“Benrey, don’t- I- Jesus, Gordon, your hand!” Tommy’s face turns a couple shades whiter, which is when Gordon realizes he had waved with his prosthetic.

But why would they react like that? The Science Team had all been there when Gordon had lost his hand.

Gordon’s head throbs painfully and he staggers, bracing himself against a section of Benrey before his legs completely give out from under him.

“Gentlemen, our main focus right now should be getting Gordon out of here! Gordon, pardon my saying so, but you don’t look well.”

“Gee, thanks, Coomer.” Gordon grits his teeth as his vision goes blurry. He almost falls again when Benrey shifts away, but Bubby and Tommy grab him, each of them pulling one of his arms over their shoulders. Bubby’s especially careful with Gordon’s amputated arm, which just makes Gordon sick to his stomach. Why would Bubby care?

The halls of Black Mesa fade in and out of focus as Gordon’s head continues to pound, though it slowly fades enough that he can at least run under his own power, Bubby and Tommy hovering in case he trips. Probably so they can laugh at him.

At one point, Gordon looks back over his shoulder just in time to see a soldier chasing after them. He watches silently as the soldier raises his gun. He freezes suddenly, a hand coming up to his ear, and he stops chasing them. The soldier lowers his gun and gives Gordon a salute. Gordon nods in reply just before he loses eyesight of the soldier around another corner.

Soon enough, the group bursts through one of the entrances into Black Mesa, and the sun beats down on them, so hot and bright that Gordon wrenches his eyes shut and ducks his head. Begrudgingly, he accepts Tommy’s support once again, too blind to see where the group’s running.

“O-o-almost there, Gordon.” Tommy pants and Gordon nods. Sand shifts and slides under his feet, cutting at the bare skin there, but Gordon doesn’t even notice the trail of bloody footprints he’s leaving in his wake. Instead his thoughts are fixated on the regret that he can’t even open his eyes long enough to turn and look at Black Mesa for what might be the last time in a good, long while.

Soon, the running stops and as Gordon hears some kind of door slide open, he feels Tommy look back behind them. 

“Gordon, you’re bleeding!” Tommy cries out and Gordon tilts his head.

“Oh shit, really? I didn’t notice.” No one says anything, and Gordon is helped into what he thinks is a car. Something is thrust into his hands. As soon as he realizes he’s just been handed a pair of sunglasses, Gordon slips them on and tries to open his eyes. Even with the sunglasses, the world’s still too bright for him to bear, but the adjustment with the sunglasses goes faster, so Gordon keeps the glasses on.

“Here.” Bubby closes a hand around Gordon’s ankle and he startles violently, one hand slapping against the door behind him. “Whoa, whoa, Gordon! I’m letting you go, just calm down!” The grip on him releases and Gordon tucks himself into the small corner made by his seat and the car door. “...You’re okay. I should’ve warned you I was going to touch you, I didn’t realize you still couldn’t see.”

“Fine…” Gordon gasps out as the engine of the car rumbles to life. “‘S fine, I don’t- Just wasn’t… I wasn’t expecting it.”

“I need to clean the cuts on your feet.” Bubby tells him and Gordon feels Bubby’s hand hovering over his ankle. “May I touch you?”

“Yeah.” Gordon nods and forces himself not to flinch when Bubby gently grabs his ankle again. He turns and presses his face into the wall of the car, face screwed in displeasure.

“Is something wrong back there?” Coomer asks from where he’s sitting shotgun.

“No, dear. I just spooked Gordon.” Bubby says. “Gordon, I’m going to pour water over these cuts. Let me know when you’re ready.” Without taking any time to prepare, Gordon nods and bites down a whimper as cold water makes the cuts on his feet flare with pain.

“D’you wanna hold hands? Lil courage boost for Gordon Braveman?” Benrey asks and Gordon realizes they’re sitting on the row of seats behind him and Bubby, which means Tommy is driving.

“No, man, I’m okay. Thanks.” Benrey rustles in the back as he returns to his own seat and Gordon gets as comfortable as he can, the rest of the car falling silent so the only sound is the noisy whirr of tires on the road.

-

After about an hour of driving, Gordon’s taken his sunglasses off and he watches as the car passes clear through a small metropolis, continuing down the highway until it suddenly takes an exit that leads onto rural backroads, plains spread as far as the eye can see and occasionally occupied by herds of cattle and horses.

The car takes yet another turn, but this one causes a noticeable relaxation in all the other passengers.

“Home at last.” Coomer sighs. “Now, after all that hullabaloo, I could sleep for 100 years!”

“Human hibernation. Human-nation.” Benrey mumbles behind Gordon, and Bubby snorts.

“That was bad, even by your standards.”

“My standards are- they’re so high, bro. Gordon, tell Bubby how good my standards are, dude.”

“...What?” Gordon says finally, and he winces as a little of the tension from before comes back.

“Did you hit your head at all?” Bubby asks and Gordon shakes his head.

“No, just… Just tired.”

“Well, you can rest, too!” Coomer says cheerfully. “We’ll try to keep things ‘downkey’ for you.”

“Not how that’s said.” Bubby mutters, but he’s smiling a little as he stares out his own window. The van comes to a slow halt and Gordon leans slightly to the side so he can look out through the windshield.

A large farmhouse sits in front of them, at the end of the dirt road they’re on. It’s three stories tall and has a wrap-around porch, complete with matching rocking chairs and a swing seat. There are flower beds out front, with a rosebush blooming under a bay window.

“Home sweaty home.” Benrey mumbles, already undoing his seatbelt, and Bubby sighs, deep and long.

“I’m going to bury you in the fucking onion patch.”

“Saving me from vampires, what a cool move. Bubby ultra cool, number one Benny friend. Out, please? Let Benrey out soccer car now?”

“What are you even saying.” Bubby grouses but slides the door open and hops out so Benrey can crawl over the seat and get out as well.

“D-d- would you like some help, Gordon?” Tommy asks and Gordon nods. 

“Yeah. Please.”

“Of course!” Tommy hops out and Gordon watches through the windshield as Benrey stops in front of the van and cups his hands over his mouth.

“WE’RE HOOOOOOME! AND WE BROUGHT ONE MR. FEETMAN WITH US!” Tommy laughs as he slides Gordon’s door open, and Gordon blinks in confusion.

“We have… A couple of g- visitors. They’ll be very happy to see you!”

“How long have I been in Black Mesa?” Gordon asks as he and Tommy start to slowly limp across the grass and Tommy sighs.

“Almost a month. I- I’m so- We tried, but-”

“It’s okay.” Gordon murmurs. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. What happened to my-” He was going to ask about his house, but he’s interrupted by a shriek from someone standing on the front porch.

“DADDY!!!” Gordon’s head snaps up and his heart nearly stops.

Joshua’s standing on the porch, eyes bright with tears and not a scratch on him. Not five minutes ago, Gordon had been going through life thinking his son was dead, and now here his baby is, right there and hurtling down the porch towards him.

Tommy grunts with surprise as Gordon’s legs give out, but he lets go just in time for Joshua to collide into Gordon, and for Gordon to wrap his son up in his arms as much as he can.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…” Gordon repeats in a whisper and lets tears fall from his own eyes as Joshua heaves heart-breaking sobs and clutches desperately at Gordon’s shirt.

“Gordon!” Other voices yell, but Joshua has his entire attention right now. When other hands try to wrap around him, Gordon pulls Joshua tighter to him and snarls animalistically, blind with tears and protectiveness.

“D-don’t touch him!” Someone calls and the offending hands disappear. “He’s uh… We don’t know what all happened to him…”

“Daddy?” Joshua sniffles and Gordon nods into his hair.

“Daddy’s right here, baby. Not going anywhere, I promise.” 

“Okay.” Joshua sniffles and hiccups. “Daddy, where’d you go?”

“Nowhere important.” Gordon mumbles. “I’m here now, okay?” 

“I love you.”

“Love you too, cowboy. So much. Oh god.” Sobs overtake Gordon again and he carefully rocks back and forth.

“Gordie.” A voice breaks in as Gordon keeps crying. “Gordie, it’s Uncle Ivan.” Gordon nods to show he heard, and Uncle Ivan drapes a heavy arm over Gordon’s shoulders, pulling him and his son into a protective embrace. “You’re alright now, boy. Just let it out.”

Gordon isn’t really sure how long he cries for, only that Ivan and Joshua stay with him the whole time until his stomach aches and his eyes burn.

“You alright?” Ivan asks and Gordon hesitates, before giving a useless shrug. “That’s okay, boy, you got time to figure yourself out. But I think your boy’s conked out, and I think you’re halfway there yourself. Do you wanna go find a bed?” 

“Please.” Gordon rasps and shifts Joshua so he’s cradling his son.

“Alright, stand on three, I gotcha.” Ivan crouches and braces a hand under Gordon’s arm. “And… three!” Both of the men lurch to their feet and Ivan partially drags Gordon towards the house. “I’m glad to see you, boy.”

“Me too.” Gordon looks up at the porch, and blinks in surprise. John, his brother, is sitting on the swing seat, though he stands when he locks eyes with Gordon. “John!”

“God, Gordon, you dumbass, I’m so glad to see you.” John carefully hugs Gordon and trails after him and Ivan. “What  _ happened  _ to you?”

“Not right now, John.” Ivan shakes his head. “Right now, your brother’s gonna rest. You can ask him all the questions you want later.”

“Sorry.” Gordon shrugs at his brother, but John only grins as Gordon yawns widely enough to pop his jaw.

“Nah, man, you’re making me tired just looking at you. Sleep well.” Gordon nods, though he finds his head too heavy to lift back up, almost dozing on his feet as Ivan guides him upstairs. He doesn’t even remember laying down, only waking up enough to tuck Joshua into his side as Ivan turns off the light.

The last thought Gordon has as he drifts off is that the bed he’s lying in is much better than the cot he had back in Black Mesa.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon wakes up back home. He doesn't know how long he has to stay here and play nice, all he knows is that he wants to head back to Black Mesa already.

Gordon’s dreams are muffled and fuzzy even while he’s in them, like he’s underwater. They all seem more like snapshots into different worlds, but all he knows is the Science Team is in every one of them, which in his mind is enough to automatically qualify each and every dream as a nightmare.

Soon enough, though, Gordon’s awoken by a finger repeatedly poking his cheek. He blinks his eyes open and locks eyes with the culprit: One Joshua Freeman.

“Good morning, Daddy!” Joshua chirps, playing innocent.

“Morning, Joshie.” Gordon mumbles as his mouth slowly stretches into a grin. “Did you happen to see who woke me up?”

“No, Daddy, I didn’t.” Joshua says solemnly and Gordon lifts up one side of his blanket, letting Joshua curl up into his side once again. “I had to go potty.”

“Do you wanna go back to sleep or just lay here?” Gordon asks and Joshua hums as he thinks. 

“Wanna get up. I’m hungry.” Gordon nods and sits up, pushing the blanket away.

“Alright, you’re right. Food does sound pretty good right now.” Gordon scoops Joshua off the bed and Joshua climbs up his arms to ride on his shoulders, almost jamming his foot in Gordon’s mouth at one point. “You ready?”

“Hi ho, Silver!” Joshua jostles and nudges his heels against Gordon’s chest. Gordon chuckles and sets off downstairs.

Everyone else is already awake, sitting around the kitchen, and most of them look up when Gordon walks into the room.

“Food’s on the counter.” Ivan tells Gordon without looking away from the oven, and Gordon sits, depositing Joshua onto the stool next to him.

“So…” John sits down on Gordon’s other side and waits until Gordon’s stuffed a piece of toast in his mouth. “How you doing?” Gordon, still chewing, gives John a thumbs up. “Really? Cause… You were kinda in Black Mesa for a month. And that’s only by our best guess. Honestly, Gordon? None of us have any idea what happened. The house was trashed when we got there.”

“It was like that when I got home. I thought-” Gordon’s breath shudders out of him and he reaches over to lace his fingers with Josh’s, smiling when Joshua squeezes his hand. “It was bad.”

“Yeah, no shit.” John mutters and Ivan clears his throat. “Sorry, sorry, no cursing in front of baby ears.”

“I’m not a baby.” Joshua informs John precociously, and John snorts and nods.

“My bad. No cursing in front of Joshie ears, then.” Josh nods and goes back to his food. “But Gordon… We’ve all got questions.”

“Ask ‘em. Can’t guarantee I’ll have the answers.”

“What happened to your arm?” Gordon tenses before he exhales and forces himself to relax.

“Some soldiers took it. No big deal.”

“That’s bull-” Bubby spits before Coomer cuts him off when an elbow to the ribs. Gordon turns slightly to see the Science Team, sitting at a round table behind the breakfast bar. “Losing your arm is  _ kind of _ a big deal!”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Gordon mutters and Bubby’s jaw snaps shut with an audible click.

“Well, Gordon, it’s gonna be a bit of a process figuring out what you do and don’t wanna talk about.” John tries to set his hand comfortingly on Gordon’s shoulder, but it’s knocked aside by Gordon standing suddenly and taking his plate to the sink.

“None of it.” Gordon tries not to let his anger get ahold on him, especially in front of Joshua. “I don’t want to talk about any of it.”

“Y-you’ll have- It’ll help to talk about it, Gordon!” Tommy smiles at him but Gordon can only think of the way Tommy had looked at him back in Black Mesa, all condescending with a gun barrel pointed at him. 

“Somehow I doubt that.”

“We’re trying to help you! And you won’t let us!” Bubby snaps finally, pushing himself to his feet, and Gordon squares his shoulders.

“No, you’re not trying to help me! You just want the  _ juicy  _ details! You want some horror story you can tell around the fu- frigging campfire!” He slams his plate down into the soapy water, sending it sloshing over the edge of the sink and onto the floor. Everyone jolts back but all Gordon can think is if he doesn’t leave right now, he’s going to vomit up the breakfast he just ate.

“Gordon-!” Someone calls out but Gordon’s pushing past John and out of the kitchen and up the stairs, finding a linen closet and pulling out enough fabric until he can curl up inside and try to get his breathing under control.

He can’t do this. He can’t be in the same house as them. How could he? What sane person would be pleased to see the people who tormented them so much? Who cut their fucking  _ arm  _ off?

Gordon knocks his head back against the wall of the closet.

He couldn’t even meet Benrey’s eyes down there. Is he supposed to play buddy buddy with him? All he wants to do is kill them again, just like he did in Black Mesa. Maybe if Benrey dies, he’ll take some of the knotted and confused emotions in Gordon’s chest back to Hell with him.

Gordon chews on his bottom lip until it bleeds, dripping blood down his chin and dirtying his goatee.

John and Ivan and Joshua don’t even know the kind of people they’re all sharing a house with. Monsters and killers, all of them. Gordon’s thoughts loop over and over on everything the Science Team had done to him, every threat they had made.

Fuck, and he had just left those bastards alone with his  _ family _ .

Gordon still stays in the linen closet, though, just long enough to get his thoughts together. He realizes he can’t retreat again like he did today. From now on, he’s not going to allow the Science Team near his family. It’s his responsibility to protect them, and he can’t do that if he’s hiding in a storage closet like a little bitch.

He nods to himself and exhales slowly as he acknowledges that this is probably the last chance he’s going to have to have his own space until Black Mesa can save him and his family like they promised they would.

-

Joshua’s playing in the living room when Gordon finally comes downstairs. He immediately throws down the toy he was playing with and runs towards Gordon. Gordon scoops his son up and settles Joshua on his hip.

“Hey, cowboy. I’m okay.”

“Grandpa Ivan said to leave you alone until you came out so I waited in here.” Joshua tells Gordon, and Gordon smiles, pressing a kiss to Joshua’s forehead. He’s glad he washed the blood off his face before he came down.

“Thank you, Joshie. Daddy just needed to sit and figure his head out a little bit.”

“Sometimes when my head hurts, I take a nap.” Joshua tilts his head. “Do you need to take a nap, Daddy?”

“Nah, if I did that, then I’d miss out on time to hang out with my favorite cowboy.” Joshua squeals and giggles as Gordon pokes at his stomach.

“Hello, Gordon!” Coomer calls out as he walks into the living room, and Gordon nods without looking at him, setting Joshua back down. “I wanted to apologize for Bubby’s behavior earlier. We only want to help, but I understand if you don’t want to talk.”

“Thanks, Coomer.” Gordon sighs and settles on the carpet next to Joshua. “I just… Still need some time, you know?”

“Perfectly understandable, Gordon! Take all the time you need. If either of you need me, I’ll be out back tending the garden.” Coomer heads out through the kitchen and Joshua waves goodbye after him.

“Do you wanna play with me, Daddy?”

“Sure, buddy. Who am I playing?”

“You’re the good guy! You’re fighting the evil cow king, but he just stabbed you in the chest, but you don’t die.”

“Have you been watching old movies with fencing in them?” Gordon chuckles and Joshua nods.

“It always looks super cool, even if the sword’s actually just in their armpit.”

“Fair enough. Now, lemme get into character here, hang on…”

-

Joshua goes to sleep early that night, still tired from worrying about Gordon for so long, so Gordon makes himself a cup of coffee and heads out to the porch. He doesn’t sigh when he sees Benrey sitting in one of the rocking chairs, but it’s a near thing. Instead, he sits on the porch steps and stares out towards the horizon, watching the sun sit on the edge of the world.

“Yo, you drinkin’ some a’ that, uhhhh…” Benrey smacks his lips obnoxiously and Gordon cringes. “Baby cow bean juice?”

“What?” Gordon turns to look at Benrey. “Baby c… Do you mean  _ ‘caffeinated’ _ ?”

“That’s the bitch.” Gordon rolls his eyes and turns back to the sunset. “Wha- rude, not even a chuckle? Lil jester Benny boy doing a bad job, jingle jingle?”

“When you say something funny, then I’ll laugh.” Gordon snips and Benrey draws back and up, almost like a bristling cat.

“Wow, Gordon…  _ Mean _ man. Black Mesa sucked out all your-” Benrey cuts himself off suddenly and looks away, almost looking… Guilty. “Uh, sorry. That was rude.”

“Benrey-” Gordon doesn’t know what he’s going to say, but it doesn’t really matter, since Benrey stands up from the chair and heads for the door.

“Sky’s pretty.” He mutters just before he heads inside. Gordon almost jolts at the rusty squeak the screen door lets out.

Gordon turns back to the sunset with a confused huff and raises his mug once more. Benrey wasn’t wrong. The sky  _ is  _ pretty.

-

The next day is Sunday, which means Gordon needs to go into town and find a payphone. He also plans to buy a burner phone while he’s there so he won’t have to drive an hour once a week. He still has no idea where his own phone went.

“Can I borrow the truck?” Gordon asks, leaning out through the door in the kitchen that leads onto the patio. Ivan glances up at him from under the brim of his hat, Joshua sat on his knee.

“...Sure, no problem here. Feel well enough to be goin’ on road trips?”

“I- That’s actually kinda why I’m doing it. I thought it might help my head clear up a little bit faster.”

“Do you need any of us to come along?” John asks as he and Coomer shuck corn, and Gordon shakes his head.

“Nah, just need to be on my own for a little bit.”

“Have fun, Daddy!” Joshua waves and Gordon smiles, waving back.

“I’ll be back in time for dinner.” Ivan nods and Gordon lets the door fall closed. 

-

The city the house is outside of is small enough that Gordon doesn’t have to drive long before he finds a payphone. The lady had told him he’d know what number to call, but right now the only thoughts in his head are fuzzy with anxiety. If he doesn’t actually know what number to call, he doesn’t know what he’ll do next.

Black Mesa just wants to help him, but they can’t if he can’t get in contact with them like they told him to.

Gordon’s thoughts keep circling even as he walks up to the payphone he’d found and slips in a couple of coins. As soon as the buzzing tone starts, though, all of his anxiety melts away and Gordon laughs under his breath as he twirls the little rotary dial. He’d been being stupid. Black Mesa was smart enough to put the number in his head before he’d ever been taken from them.

“Gordon?” A voice on the other end asks as soon as the call goes through.

“I’m here.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yes.”

“Good man. Now, have there been any discussions about any future heists?”

“No.”

“Disappointing… But not your fault. Good job, Gordon. Black Mesa’s proud of you.”

“Thank you. Wh-when do I get to come back?”

“Don’t be silly, you know the answer to that. Not until we’ve taken your Science Team into custody. You don’t want them hurting other people like they hurt you, do you?”

“No. No, of course not. I just don’t want them to hurt my family.”

“Black Mesa will protect them, Gordon, don’t worry. Isn’t Black Mesa good to you? Don’t you want to do what’s asked of you?”

“Yes. That’s my job.”

“Good man. We’ll talk next week.” The call disconnects suddenly and Gordon stands there for a moment longer, just listening to the dead air, before he sighs and leaves the booth. He still needs to find a place that sells burner phones, after all.

-

It’s getting increasingly close to dinner time by the time Gordon finally gets back to the house. He’s almost… Weirdly disappointed no one’s out front waiting for him. But he shakes his head to get rid of that thought. Half the people in this house are his family and the other half he feels sick to his stomach just seeing.

Speaking of, Gordon realizes as he walks into the living room, he doesn’t see or hear any of them. Gordon slowly closes the door behind him, confused. 

Then he hears Joshua shrieking outside. Gordon feels the blood drain from his face and he runs through the house, bursting out onto the patio. John startles as the door slams against the wall, but Gordon barely even notices his brother yell. 

Joshua’s running across the grass, being chased by some loping dog creature, a purple tongue lolling out of a mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth. Everyone else is sitting around, not helping, but Gordon doesn’t stop to think about how odd that is. Instead, he takes off across the grass. Both Joshua and the creature stop to watch Gordon run towards them, and Joshua shrieks again as Gordon scoops him up, instinctively latching onto his dad’s shirt.

“Daddy?” Joshua murmurs, but Gordon keeps his eyes on the creature, which tilts its head at him much like a dog would.

“Everything’s fine, Josh. I’ve got you.” He starts to back up towards the house, the creature following after him. “Go on! Get outta here!”

“Daddy?” Joshua asks again, his voice pitching higher. “Daddy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, buddy. Are you hurt at all?”

“No, but Daddy-” Joshua sounds like he’s about to cry, so Gordon rubs his back soothingly.

“It’s okay, cowboy, I gotcha. This thing isn’t gonna hurt you.”

“I know that!” Joshua shouts in frustration and slaps at his dad’s shoulder. “Benny would never hurt me, Daddy! You always told me he’s been around since I was a baby! What’s going on?”

“Joshua?” One of the others calls from the patio, but Joshua just keeps pushing at Gordon’s shoulder.

“Daddy, why are you being so mean to Benny?”

“I- I don’t-” Gordon starts to say, but his grip is loose enough that Joshua’s able to squirm free and drop to the ground, turning and running behind Gordon towards the patio. “I…”

“Gordon?”

His head is killing him, Gordon distantly realizes as his knees hit the dirt. The pain in his skull is bad enough that his stomach revolts and he vomits into the dry grass. Someone cries out in alarm and there are cool hands on Gordon almost immediately.

“Christ, Gordon, what the fuck’s going on?” A voice he doesn’t recognize asks him urgently, but all Gordon can do is press into the hands as he continues to dry heave and the world spins dizzyingly under his hands. “Talk to me, man, c’mon.”

“We should get him to bed, maybe he overheated in town or something.” Another voice mutters, and Gordon finally, thankfully, passes out as more hands grab him and start to lift him from the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate all the nice comments I've gotten on this fic so far! I'm glad y'all are enjoying it! Only two more chapters left to go after this one!
> 
> Come say hi to me on Tumblr @ holdyourbreathfornow


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon’s ready to get back to heisting.
> 
> He isn’t ready for everything that’ll come with it.

The sun’s set when Gordon finally comes to, and he blinks as he turns his head to the side and looks at the stars he can see out his window. The view’s… Familiar. Why is it-?

He’s in the farmhouse. But he could swear he’d never been here before the Science Team brought him here.

Just thinking about the Science Team is enough to trigger another wave of nausea and Gordon bolts upright as he gags. A hand closes around his neck and its partner pushes a trashcan under him, which turns into a good thing.

“How you feeling?” John asks quietly once Gordon pulls away and lays back against the pillows.

“My head…” Gordon groans and John lays a wet washcloth against Gordon’s forehead.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened with Benrey? I know he kinda looked like a dog when you got home, but he’s still got the whole ‘kicked puppy’ thing down even as a person.”

“Thought he was gonna… Hurt Joshie.” Gordon mutters and John smacks lightly at his shoulder.

“They were playing, dumbass. If he was hurting your kid, I woulda killed him myself.”

“Can we just talk about this later?” Gordon sighs but John shakes his head.

“If I don’t get this through your thick skull now, while you’re basically bed-ridden, I don’t think I’m gonna get another opportunity like this. Gordon, listen. I know Black Mesa fucked you up, okay? It’s not hard to see.”

“They didn’t fuck me up-” Gordon starts to say but John just raises his voice until Gordon shuts up.

“Man, we’ve all been trying to help. And it fucked us up, too, you being gone for so long. So treating half the house like they’re suddenly supervillains or some shit? It’s not gonna fly anymore.” Gordon doesn’t say anything, but John also seems like he’s done, nodding to himself and leaning back in his chair.

As he thinks, Gordon realizes there are a couple ways this conversation can play out. He can either keep pushing this and have John realize that Gordon’s working for Black Mesa. He trusts his brother, but John would probably slip up and spill something to the Science Team. Gordon definitely doesn’t need that. 

On the other hand, Gordon can play nice and try to get along with the Science Team for long enough to go back to heisting. If he goes with that second option, Gordon will get to go back to Black Mesa and his sessions with MAANRE.

“No, you’re totally right.” Gordon sighs and cups his hands over his face. “I dunno, dude, I guess I’ve just been trying to keep a brave face on and just kinda… Lost my shit when I heard Joshua yelling yesterday.”

“Which I totally get.” John slaps Gordon on the back and Gordon lowers his hands soon enough to see some of the worry bleed out of his brother’s expression. “But, dude, I’m your brother. I know your thought process. If you’re gonna apologize to anyone, it should be Benrey and the others.”

“You’re so right.” Gordon says as he tries to stand, but John’s quick to stop him and push him back against the pillows.

“I’m always right. But this particular apology can wait until the morning. Everyone else is asleep and you still look like Road Kill a la Gordie.”

“Fuck you.” Gordon laughs and John grins, hugging Gordon before slipping out of the room and heading for his own bed. Gordon sighs and turns his gaze back to the stars outside his window.

It feels… Weird to lie like this. But it’s what Black Mesa wants. Gordon’s own feelings don’t matter anymore.

-

The next morning, John helps Gordon wrangle the Science Team into the living room, and Gordon shakes his head to clear away the thought that this feels like a very familiar routine.

“Alright.” Gordon stands in front of the Team once they finally settle into their seats. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I haven’t been… Completely honest with y’all.”

“Yeah, no  _ shit _ .” Bubby mutters snidely.

“Ignoring that. I just… It felt embarrassing to show how much Black Mesa fucked with me. I was trying to just bury that shit and move on with my life.”

“Gordon, that doesn’t sound emotionally healthy!”

“H-He has a- he’s not wrong, Gordon. We’re- You can talk to us… You know?”

“Yeah. And I should’ve done it sooner. Benrey, I’m especially sorry about yesterday, man. I heard Josh from out front and I. I think ‘panicked’ might be the right word.”

“I get it.” Benrey shrugs. He had his arms crossed over his chest, but now he slowly lets them lower down to his sides. “I, uh… We’re good. Gordon Feelingsman.” 

“And we’ll try to be more understanding. Right, gentlemen?” Coomer asks as he looks around, and receives nods of varying enthusiasm from the rest of the team. “Gordon, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I very much appreciated that heartfelt apology and explanation!”

“Good.” Gordon lets his shoulders relax and grins. “And if any of you need to talk, I’m here for that too.”

“‘S what the therapist is for. Brain mage. Bage. Mane.” Benrey starts to ramble and Tommy giggles as Benrey dissolves further and further into incomprehensibility.

“So now that we’ve got all the emotional shit out of the way…” Bubby also gets to his feet, brushing dust off the sleeves of his sweater. “We should discuss some… Business.”

“I know when I’m not wanted.” John raises his hands and quickly leaves the room. The rest of the Science Team share conspirative looks and Gordon feels a thrill run through him. If he’s read the situation right, this is what he’s been waiting for. They’re about to plan the next heist.

Benrey sweeps everything off the coffee table casually, Gordon catching anything fragile, while Tommy goes to the front closet and pulls down a box from the shelf inside. When he returns to the table, Gordon sees that the inside of the box contains rolls of blueprints, several random pieces of chalk, and a handgun.

He grins. This is exactly what he’d hoped it was. He can’t wait to report back tonight. His final goal is so close he can almost see the flashing lights from the MAANRE machine again.

-

Once the plan’s set in place and the Team has dispersed, Gordon goes through the rest of his day in a fog almost. He fights through it enough that no one notices, but he can’t stop looking at Joshua, John, and Ivan. Every time he does, he imagines how much happier they’ll be with him in Black Mesa. They have no idea how good things are about to get for them, and Gordon finds it harder and harder to not grab one of them, start shaking, and spill the whole thing, like he always did when he was a kid. 

But he doesn’t. Gordon knows how important this operation is. So he goes through his day as normally as possible. Then, once it’s night and everyone else is in their rooms, Gordon pulls the sheets over his head and fishes his burner phone out from where he hid it under the mattress.

_ ‘Tomorrow. First Central in Seeley Creek. Noon-ish.’ _

__ _ ‘Excellent. Good job. It’s almost time for you to come back.’ _

__ _ ‘Thank you.’ _

__ _ ‘Get some rest.’ _

__ Gordon smiles as he tucks the burner phone back under his mattress and easily drifts off to sleep, his dreams full of blinking lights and gray walls.

-

In the morning, John sits on the edge of Gordon’s bed as Gordon gets ready to head out with the Science Team.

“Are you gonna go rob a bank?” John asks and Gordon nods.

“Yep. We don’t have anything else coming up for awhile, and I think it’ll help, you know?”

“You or them?”

“Both. Like a weird… Bonding activity, you know?”

“Maybe you should start taking road trips like the rest of us do.” John laughs and Gordon fakes a shudder of disgust.

“You know how bad they get if they’re bored. I do not wanna have to be the one to deal with that. Easier just to let them blow shit up.”

“Honestly, fair enough.” As Gordon secures the utility belt with his ammo and flashbangs around his waist, John stands and grabs Gordon’s shoulders, forcing Gordon to meet his brother’s eyes. “Listen, man, be careful, okay? It was bad enough when Black Mesa had you. We don’t need a repeat of that particular shitshow.”

“John.” Gordon smiles and covers John’s hands with his own. “Everything’s gonna be alright. I promise. Soon it’ll all be over.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” John asks but Gordon dodges the question by pulling his brother closer and giving him a rough noogie. “AH! Motherfucker, get off me!” Gordon cackles as John wrestles his way free and looks in Gordon’s dresser mirror to smooth his hair down. “Well, excuse me for trying to give you a pep talk.”

“I appreciate it. Why don’t you come give me another hug?” John just flips Gordon off and leaves the room. Gordon smiles to himself again, double-checking he has everything he needs for the heist. Just before he heads out of the room, Gordon reaches under his mattress and snags the burner phone, tucking it into the smallest pocket of his utility belt. Then he heads out to eet up with everybody else downstairs.

Ivan and Joshua are the first to meet Gordon as he comes down the stairs.

“Daddy, are you taking a field trip?” Joshua asks and Gordon nods as Ivan hands his son over.

“Yep. You remember all those stories I’ve read to you about good guys like Robin Hood?”

“M-hm. Steal from the rich, give to the poor.”

“Yep. Grandpa Ivan’s gonna watch you and John while I go with the Science Team.”

“He’s gonna babysit Uncle John, too?” Joshua giggles when Gordon nods in fake seriousness. “Daddy, you can’t babysit an adult!”

“Sure you can! Plus, Uncle John’s a big handful. Grandpa might need your help. Isn’t that right?” Gordon asks Ivan and the older man nods in agreement, fighting back a smile.

“Yep. Still just as much of a brat now as he was when he was your age.”

“Why do I have a feeling you’re all talking about me?” John sighs and snatches Joshua away from Gordon. “C’mere, Joshie, I can’t let them poison your mind anymore.”

“Uncle John, were you really a brat?” Gordon looks away as fast as he can, but he still sees John’s head snap back around to him in his peripherals, and disguises his wheezing laughter as a coughing fit.

“You should get on your way before he decks you.” Uncle Ivan says and Gordon nods.

“Yeah, will do. We’ll be back soon enough.”

“You’d better be. You’ve given me enough heart attacks for one lifetime.”

“Thanks for putting up with me.” Ivan wraps Gordon up in a hug. 

“Boy, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.” He sets Gordon down. “I’m proud of you.” Gordon doesn’t say anything, turning and scrubbing a hand down his face to keep the tears in his eyes from overflowing.

“Uh, you’re right, we really should be on our way. Head for the van, you guys!” As soon as the Science Team is out of the door, Gordon turns back around and gives Ivan one last hug. “Love you.”

“Love you too, kid. Now get going.” Gordon nods and heads for the door, leaping into the van and looking back at the farmhouse as the rest of the Science Team chatter and laugh and jeer at each other.

-

The van pulls into an empty field of grass across from the bank the Science Team’s about to hit, and Gordon swallows down the knot in his throat, instead focusing on checking the magazines of all his guns.

“Ready?” Benrey asks from next to him and Gordon glances up. Benrey watches him cautiously, his helmet held in his hands. Gordon smirks and takes the helmet from Benrey, pushing it gently down on the other man’s head.

“I’ll be ready when I know you’re not about to get taken out by a headshot.”

“D-dumb Feetman. My HP level’s too high. Take at least two headshots to take me out.”

“H-how- just keep that level at zero, maybe?” Tommy interjects and Gordon laughs.

“Gotta get one for the homies.” Benrey retorts but Bubby sighs, long and put-out.

“If you really want someone to headshot you that bad, I’m more than happy to oblige.”

“Why don’t we just head inside now before someone actually does shoot someone else?” Gordon grins and everyone starts filing out of the van. Tommy, Benrey, and Bubby head across the street, but Gordon’s pulled up short by Coomer’s hand on his sleeve.

“Gordon… I’m glad things are going back to normal. I’m glad you’re back with us.”

_ Not for very much longer,  _ an ugly thing in Gordon’s head whispers, but he just smiles and covers Coomer’s hand with his own flesh hand.

“I’m happy about it, too, Coomer. You ready to go in?”

“Yes, Gordon.” Coomer cocks his shotgun and the soft moment is blown away in the hot desert wind. “I am indeed!”

-

Tommy works on the drill that digs into the safe, Coomer and Bubby post up on the roof, keeping a lookout for cops, and Gordon and Benrey stand in the lobby of the bank, boarding up windows. Benrey shakes every board he puts up to make sure it’s stable, but Gordon leaves the boards he’s put up loose on purpose.

“Should we start taking merc jobs again?” Benrey asks conversationally and Gordon tilts his head without turning to look at them.

“Maybe. I do think we should only take the jobs where we aren’t the bad guys.”

“Course. I thought that was already a thing, Gordon Confusingman.”

“Okay, that one wasn’t even close.” Gordon says, but he can’t stop the little laugh he lets out with it.

“Still made you laugh.” Benrey shrugs just as the radio on his chest crackles with Bubby’s voice. Gordon finally turns to hear what Bubby’s saying.

“Those certainly don’t look like cops… No, cops don’t show up in a shit-ton of unmarked vans, Harold! What kind of cops have you been dealing with?”

“Bubby, you’re on comms.” Benrey presses the button on his radio to say and Bubby audibly jolts.

“Boys! We’ve got company! About fifteen or twenty unmarked black vans! I’m thinking feds.”

“We’re in Bumfuck, Nowhere, US of Fucking A!” Benrey snarls, turning to a window and peering through the boards at the outside world. Gordon quietly cocks his gun just to keep up appearances. “How did they find us?”

“How long on the safe?” Bubby asks Tommy, ignoring Benrey’s question.

“M-maybe… Not enough, that’s for sure!” Tommy sounds nervous and Gordon doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t feel the anxiety the others feel, though, a calm falling over him almost like a fog.

“Should we abandon this or-?” He starts to ask but Benrey shrugs. 

“They probably surrounded us. Fuckin’... Snake game. Gonna have to fight our way out.” Like it’s following a cue, the door suddenly rattles with the force of something being slammed into it. Benrey crouches slightly while Gordon inches closer to him. “Bubby, Coomer, get off the roof, get inside.”

“On our way to Tommy.” Bubby responds and Benrey nods before turning to Gordon. He opens his mouth to say something just as the door shudders and falls in under the force of a battering ram.

Soldiers in solid black outfits flood into the bank, guns lowered. The first four or five stop just inside the door and raise their weapons, pointing them all at Benrey.

Gordon, even later, won’t really be able to describe what happens next. All he knows is that before any of the soldiers can pull their triggers, Gordon grabs Benrey and shields him with his body. Benrey grips at Gordon’s arms in silent surprise just as the sound of gunshots fills the empty air.

At first, Gordon thinks the shots completely missed, and he tries to laugh a little in shock. Instead, it comes out a pained, choking noise and he blinks in shock just before his body erupts with pain, radiating from his hip and somewhere in his chest.

Benrey, slightly shorter than Gordon, looks up to meet his eyes and Benrey’s go wide with shock and upset, before they quite literally vanish in a red mist. Benrey catches Gordon as his legs give out, and the growl rippling from Benrey’s throat is the most animalistic Gordon’s heard, even if thinking is harder and harder by the second.

“We heard shots fired!” As the radio crackles, Benrey shifts and changes, swelling in size and breathing Sweet Voice fog that rolls across the ground and climbs up the walls. Gordon finds himself lying in the fog, next to Benrey’s shed vest. The radio on it blasts again. “Benrey, Gordon, come in!” Gordon can’t find the energy to pick up the radio, shivering as goosebumps erupt across his skin.

Benrey looks down at him and gently lays him on the ground. He leaps over Gordon, racing for the Black Mesa soldiers, and Gordon turns his head away, focusing on anything but the blood pooling beneath him and the screams of the soldiers. He listens as the radio crackles once again.

“Tommy! How’s that safe coming? We’re almost at your location.”

“I-it’s open! There’s only enough for two or… Maybe three duffel bags! We can meet up with Gordon and Benrey quick and get out of here.”

The screams slowly die off, replaced by wet gurgling, until that too is replaced by the sharp snap of bones and gnashing of teeth. Gordon turns his head as he hears Benrey padding towards him, but Benrey gently turns his head away from what must be a horrific scene of carnage with his tail.

“‘M okay.” Gordon tries to assure, but Benrey only rumbles, already shifting back to his regular size and snatching his radio up with one hand. His other hand and… A third hand press against Gordon’s torso and hip, causing him to grunt with pain and try to squirm away.

“I know, I know, gotta put pressure on it, major sucks, it’s okay.” Benrey mumbles to him, a fourth hand pressing against the pulse point on Gordon’s neck. “Tommy! Tommy, how close do Darnold and Forzen live to the farmhouse?”

“N-not more than ten minutes! How are you two doing?”

“Get them to meet us there. ...I’m fine.” Benrey hisses, which is more than enough for the rest of them to fill in the blanks. “Dumbass Feetman took a couple bullets. He’s…” He doesn’t finish the sentence but Gordon grimaces at him. “He’s alive but not doing too hot.”

“How many is a ‘couple’ gunshots?” Bubby asks heatedly, as Tommy cries out in dismay.

“We’re on our way now, boys.” Coomer says into his own radio and sure enough, Gordon can already hear feet running down the hall.

Coomer’s the first to reach the two of them and he throws his duffel bag down, zipping it open and passing Ace bandages to Benrey, who uses his four arms to wrap both of Gordon’s wounds. Coomer holds Gordon’s hand while Bubby and Tommy run out the front door, probably heading for the van.

“Told him… I was okay.” Gordon tries to calm Coomer down, but when he winces at Benrey jostling him, Coomer’s grip on his hand only grows tighter.

“Gordon, pardon my saying so, but you are very obviously not alright.”

“Not as bad as when… Black Mesa shot me.” Gordon tries to laugh but it dies down when his head explodes with pain. He feels himself throw his head back as he seizes up briefly. The only thing keeping Gordon from giving himself a concussion is Coomer’s other hand cushioning the back of his head.

His leg kicks out as every muscle in his body tenses, and Gordon feels blood begin to drip from his nose and well up in his mouth. When he finally goes slack, only barely still conscious, Benrey hurriedly fastens the Ace bandages.

“What the fuck was that?” Benrey hisses to Coomer, who gives no audible response.

“Gordon, open your eyes for me, please.” He does his best to comply, and Coomer reaches down to swipe something wet away from the corner of Gordon’s eye. “I have no idea. But I am glad you already told Tommy to have Forzen and Darnold meet us at the farm house.”

“Van’s out front.” Benrey’s radio crackles and Benrey and Coomer lock eyes. 

“I’ll gather your things. You must carry Gordon.”

“I don’t wanna hurt him.” Benrey mutters and Coomer speaks up again as Gordon weakly grasps one of Benrey’s hands.

“I’m afraid he’s already in a substantial amount of pain, Benrey. I don’t think you could make it much worse.”

“Just… Do it.” Gordon grins with a mouthful of blood, and Benrey scoops him up, having shifted enough arms to make what almost seems to be a hammock.

“Worst time to be quoting memes, Gordie, 2/10.”

“Good enough.” Gordon sighs and his eyes start to slip closed. “Weird little… Flesh hammock. Like the Sweet Voice cocoon.”

“My Sweet Voice what?” Benrey asks, bemused, and Gordon glares at him.

“You know. Used it on Tommy during the big battle.” The memory of the battle on Xen seems to glow with red light in Gordon’s mind’s eye, and that’s all he can think about as that memory causes him to seize up once again. Benrey’s multitude of hands keep Gordon from falling, and Gordon feels more blood spill from his mouth as Benrey lays him in the back row of the van, sitting on the carpet next to him. Coomer hops into the middle, slamming the door shut.

“He froze up again.” Benrey tells Coomer and Gordon knocks his face against the seat next to him, limbs occasionally twitching before locking up once again. “Hey. No, no. Gonna stain the cushions, messy… Grossdon Messyman.”

“Keep him conscious.” Coomer instructs over the sound of tires squealing over dirt and asphalt. “We need to keep him conscious until we get back to the house.”

“Okay, Gordie.” Benrey says as he brushes some of the hair back from Gordon’s face and removes his glasses, passing them to Coomer. “How d’you feel about playing some twenty two questions?”

“Only… Only twenty.” Gordon sighs, fading in and out, and Benrey gently smacks his cheek.

“Not the way I do it, bitch boy. Keep those peepers peeled or you’ll lose at the bonus round.” Benrey grins but Gordon can still see the tenseness behind it, and he grips at Benrey’s hand as the van races back to the farmhouse.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon isn't sure how long he's been asleep.
> 
> But he thinks he's finally ready to wake up.

Ivan sweeps John and Joshua upstairs as soon as Darnold and Forzen show up on his front stoop, haggard and loaded down with medical supplies.

“What happened?” Ivan asks and Darnold and Forzen share a look.

“W-we’re not real sure, sir. Tommy called us and told us to set up the medical room double time.”

“Get to it, then.” Ivan waves them through while he goes to fetch his shotgun.

The medical room is the only bedroom on the first floor, filled with cabinets of medical supplies and several stolen machines, along with a metal slab they use as an operating table. The bed’s much comfier than one in a hospital, but the sheets do have to be burned out back fairly often due to how often they have bloodstains on them. Ivan’s proud of how elaborate the set-up is, but he wishes they didn’t have to use the room so often.

Ivan perches on the porch with his shotgun laid across his lap, casually rocking back and forth in his chair. It doesn’t take long for him to see a plume of dust slowly approaching from the distance. He stands and shades his eyes with one hand until the dust cloud gets close enough that he can realize it’s being kicked up by the Science Team’s van. His heart is instantly in his throat, but at least the van isn’t being followed. That means Ivan can probably put his gun away.

By the time he does that and gets back outside, he’s just in time to watch as the van screeches to a halt, nearly coming off the ground on one side. The back door of the van opens and Ivan feels the blood drain from his face.

Benrey carries Gordon in far more arms than a normal person has. Gordon’s eyes are half-closed and his face is twisted in pain, blood dripping from everywhere it can.

“What happened to him?” Ivan asks, meeting Benrey halfway on the porch steps. Gordon whines when Ivan puts a hand on his cheek and he pushes further into the comforting embrace.

“He got shot. There were… Black Mesa showed up and he… He took a couple bullets for me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Fool boy makes his own decisions. Gordon, I’m gonna skin your hide for this.”

“Dad…” Gordon mumbles and Ivan’s mouth works silently at that. Coomer gently pulls him aside as the rest of the Science Team floods into the house and towards the medical room.

“Ivan, he’ll be fine.” Coomer tells him and Ivan nods, hiding his face in his hands for a moment.

“I know that. He’s a stubborn sumbitch. Just wasn’t… Wasn’t expecting that, you know?”

“You must know that’s how he sees you.” Coomer seems surprised but Ivan waves it off.

“Course I do. I’m not stupid. It was just one of those things we never really… Talked about.”

“Well, you and your boys tend to be just a little emotionally stunted.” Coomer smiles and doesn’t even flinch when Ivan slugs him in the shoulder. “But right now, your family needs you. Take your time, but I do believe you should be the one to explain the situation to them. It might make it a little easier to hear.”

“Nothing about this is easy.” Ivan sighs and Coomer nods in sympathy. The two of them stand on the porch in companiable, tense silence.

-

Darnold swallows down bile when Benrey lays Gordon down on the operating table. He’s just scrubbed down, he can’t afford to waste time cleaning again.

“Benrey, get out of here.” Forzen snaps and Benrey rumbles unconsciously, stalking out of the room anxiously. “Darnold, we gotta get him out of his HEV suit up. Help him sit up.”

“Bootboy…” Gordon grumbles deliriously when he sees Forzen, but Forzen doesn’t even look away from where he’s unbuckling the HEV suit’s chestplate.

“Ex-Army medic, but good enough for someone suffering from severe blood loss. Darnold, how’s that suit removal coming?”

“Got the arm on this side off.” Darnold tells him and Forzen nods.

“Alright, we’re in crisis mode as soon as I pull off this chestplate because those Ace bandages are coming with it. Gordon, did you hit your head when you went down?” There’s a moment’s pause before Gordon slowly shakes his head. “Alright, no concussion. That’s good. But there is something wrong with his brain, with all this bleeding going on. I think it’s been going on for awhile, though.”

“Black Mesa.” Gordon mumbles.

“Yep, pretty much. Alright, remove the chestplate on my count. 1, 2, 3!” Together, the two men pop the metal plates apart. Both the front half and back half come away dark with blood, and Forzen uses a knife to slash apart the Ace bandages. “Get him on his side.”

“Bullet’s through and through.” Darnold reports, preparing a blood transfusion, and Forzen nods as he gently probes the gunshot wound on Gordon’s hip. Gordon cries out and Darnold catches his arm before it smacks Forzen in the head. “Alright, fractured ilium, that’s gotta hurt like a bitch, but not dangerous.” From there, he moves up and prods the wound on Gordon’s chest. Gordon wheezes and Forzen frowns, picking up a stethoscope and holding it to Gordon’s chest. “Punctured lung. Gimme a 14 gauge.” 

Once Forzen has the syringe in hand, he turns Gordon onto his back and stabs the needle in, pulling the plunger out. Air rushes out from his chest cavity and Gordon takes his first deep breath in half an hour.

“I didn’t hear any blood in the lungs and no major organs should’ve been punctured.” Forzen mutters. He keeps thinking as he and Darnold suture Gordon’s newest wound and his two previous ones.

“So what’s up with the brain thing?” Darnold asks and Forzen shakes his head.

“I need more info. Go interrogate the Science Team.”

“Alrighty.” Darnold strips his gloves off and heads out of the medical room.

-

The Science Team perks up simultaneously when Darnold comes into the room, though Bubby quickly looks away from the blood on his scrubs.

“Okay, guys, Gordon’s doing pretty good. He had a punctured lung and his ilium’s broken. What we really wanna know about is what’s going on with his brain.”

“It… Started as soon as we found him in Black Mesa.” Bubby mumbles, looking up at Darnold. “He’s been having headaches.”

“Right after he got shot, he was mumbling something about me being some kind of ‘boss battle’.” Benrey interjects. “When I told him I had, like, zero clue what he was talking about… It was almost like his brain rebooted?”

“He also did that when he mentioned Black Mesa shooting him.” Coomer nods along.

“Odd.” Darnold mumbles. “Alright, I’ll tell Forzen. We’ll have to figure it out.”

“W-will you-? Please keep us in the loop?” Tommy asks and Darnold nods.

“Yes, of course. But for right now, I have to get back in there.” The Science Team pulls back in on themselves as Darnold heads back to the medical room.

“What’d they say?” Forzen asks from where he’s hooking Gordon up with another blood transfusion, Gordon having slipped into unconsciousness at some point while Darnold was talking to the Science Team.

“I think Black Mesa brainwashed him.”

“Do they even have the capabilities to do that?”

“Black Mesa can do anything as long as it’s meant to fuck with someone.”

“Fair enough.” Forzen steps away and strips his gloves off, removing his mask as well. “Alright, so we’ve got all the physical wounds taken care of. So how do we fix his brain?”

“You know, neither of us are neurologists. We… Forzen, we could accidentally  _ kill  _ Gordon if we’re not careful.” Darnold wrings his hands nervously, but Forzen doesn’t glance over. Instead, he watches Gordon sleep for a moment before he fishes a penlight from his pocket and shining it into one of Gordon’s eyes.

“We may not have to do anything.” Forzen says finally as he tucks the light away and turns away from Gordon. “You know how to read an EEG?”

“No clue. But we could probably Google it. Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m fairly certain Gordon slipped into a coma while we were operating.”

“WHAT?” Darnold squawks. He makes to run towards Gordon, but Forzen stops him with an arm across his chest.

“No. This might be a blessing in disguise. The coma might be Gordon’s brain doing its best to heal itself since the rest of his body needs to heal as well.”

“Or he could be brain-dead!” Darnold’s voice rises a little and Forzen shakes him gently.

“Keep your fuckin’ voice down, dude. That’s why we need to figure out how to read an EEG.”

“You know only, like, 50% of coma patients survive, right?” Darnold asks, even as he wheels an EEG machine over and powers it up. Forzen doesn’t respond immediately, only looking towards the door, where Gordon’s friends and family are waiting anxiously on the other side.

“We’ll just have to hope Gordon did good on his last coin flip.” He says finally and goes to grab his laptop.

-

The house falls into a tense silence, the people within alternating between bunching together in nervous little huddles, and sequestering themselves in the most isolated corners they can find that aren’t already occupied by someone else.

At first, all the adults do their best to keep Joshua from visiting his dad, not wanting to upset him, but Joshua’s good at being sneaky. About two weeks after Gordon first slipped into his coma, Joshua sneaks into the medical room while Uncle John’s busy making mac and cheese.

Gordon’s still asleep in the medical bed. He can breathe on his own, so he hasn’t been intubated, but Joshua still cringes at the IV stuck in the inside of his dad’s elbow. Carefully, to avoid jostling any of the lines connected to his dad, Joshua crawls onto the bed. He squirms his way under the covers and lifts up his dad’s arm, the one that doesn’t have an IV in it. He sniffles a little as he drapes the arm around himself and presses his face into his dad’s side. 

He isn’t sure how long he lays there, crying into the hospital gown his dad’s wearing, but he doesn’t even notice when a hand starts to gently comb through his hair.

“Why you cryin’?” A voice asks, croaky with disuse, and Joshua looks up in surprise. Gordon, eyes heavy with tiredness, looks back at him, still brushing through his hair. “You got a little bit of a rat’s nest going on there, cowboy.”

“DADDY!” Joshua shrieks, sitting up and throwing his arms around his dad’s neck. Gordon grunts in surprise and sits up as much as he can, wrapping his son up in his ams. The two of them sit there and hug as Joshua starts to cry harder. 

They’re interrupted after a moment when John throws the door open, running into the room and brandishing a wooden spoon stained with cheese sauce. When he sees his brother awake and hugging his son, John lowers the spoon and slowly walks over to the bed.

“Hey, Gordon. You gave us a fu- fricking heart attack.”

“How long have I been out?” Gordon asks his brother, still rubbing Joshua’s back comfortingly.

“About two weeks? You were in a coma.”

“Sh- shoot, really? I’m sorry, man, c’mere.” Gordon opens his other arm up and John only pauses for long enough to set the cheese spoon down before he leans into the hug as well. Gordon graciously decides not to mention the tears he feels coming from his brother as well.

Soon enough, Joshua’s sniffling dies down and John pulls away from the hug, wiping his eyes.

“Can you go get Forzen or Darnold, John.”

“Sure, man. You okay?”

“Yeah, I just need to use the bathroom and I don’t wanna rip the IV out of my arm like a dumbass.”

“Smart man!” John laughs and leaves the room once again, leaving the door open. He returns with Forzen in tow soon enough, but Gordon can also see everybody else gathering outside the door, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

“How you feeling?” Forzen asks, straightforward as he can be while slipping Joshua a sucker and taking Gordon’s vitals.

“Still feel a little tired, and hungry. I could eat my pillow, man.”

“Don’t do that.” Forzen reprimands seriously, but he’s grinning as he unhooks the IV. “Your vitals all look good, brain waves are in the green. Before I give you the all-clear, I wanna see how your memory’s doing. Tell me what the Black Mesa mission was.”

“We broke into Black Mesa to resuce Mr. Coolatta, who’d been captured by Black Mesa. It was successful and we all went home. I dropped by the house to change and eat before I headed over here, but some hitman from Black Mesa showed up with my curry and shot me.” The entire room holds its breath for a tense moment, but when nothing happens, they all breathe a sigh of relief.

“Alright, looks like your brain finally got its shit sorted out. No more picking fights with the Science Team, eh?”

“They told you about that, huh?” Gordon asks as he leans around Forzen and waves everybody else in. John hands Joshua over to Benrey while Coomer ruffles Gordon’s hair and Bubby starts a fire in the trashcan out of sheer anxiety.

“W- we’re glad- I’m- We’re all happy to see you awake, Gordon.” Tommy says and leans down to hug Gordon. Gordon grins and pets his friend’s back.

“Me too, man. And I wanna apologize to all of you.” A little more somber than he had been, Gordon releases Tommy and looks around at the rest of the Science Team. “In the memories Black Mesa gave me, they made you guys the bad guys. Bubby and Benrey took off my hand-” The trashcan fire flares and Benrey rattles like a snake. “-and I was basically convinced to hate you.”

“Gordon.” Coomer walks over and lays a hand on Gordon’s shoulder. “You have nothing to apologize for. When we rescued you from Black Mesa… It was easy to tell things were not as they should’ve been. We didn’t know how to fix the issue. But now that we know what they did to you, hopefully we can all help you recover.”

“You do help.” Gordon assures. “Thank you.”

“M-maybe we should… Go on vacation or something. Just until your brain’s got its 100% combo back.” Benrey suggests and Gordon nods.

“Yeah. I really like that idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love on this fic! It's been great seeing everyone's reactions and I hope you enjoyed this from start to finish just like I did!

**Author's Note:**

> MAANRE stands for Memory Rewriting and Neural Rewiring Equipment
> 
> HEY, new AU from yours truly! I finished this today so I'm real excited for y'all to read it!
> 
> Come say hi to me on Tumblr @ holdyourbreathfornow


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